Happy Anniversary!

 January 14, 2021.  This date marks what would have been my 15th wedding anniversary.  Most years, this day passes with my own private processing and acknowledgement that does not need shared.  However, 15 years is a lot of time and would have been a pretty big milestone, and I felt compelled this year to sit down and do a bit of processing.  Additionally, I have gone back to my own personal counseling for the last 4 months or so, and there have been some healing moments, insights and understandings that I don't ever want to forget.

When I have looked back at my story over the years, I have had a hard time being kind to myself.  The Tiffany of today looks at me back then and wants to shake that woman - how could I have been that dumb to choose to marry the person I did?  How could I have missed all the warning signs??  One of the things that has sunk in on a deeper level in therapy this time around is that I can have compassion for the person I was then.  I didn't know then what I know now, and I did the best then that I could with what I did know.  Tiffany of today can take comfort in the fact that I wouldn't have gotten any further than a second date with my ex, but it's okay if the woman back then couldn't make that choice.

Being a counselor has changed my life in every way possible.  Life is not simple anymore, and it's certainly not as black and white as we would like to think it is.  Issues that we like to pass judgment on have names and faces and stories, and there is a lot more to it than we would like to admit (that's a post for another day and what I am doing my doctorate work on).

One of the biggest pieces of my story came to light about a year or so after my divorce.  At that time, my ex officially announced that he was homosexual, and he and his partner (now husband) were much more open with their relationship.  I remember so many people telling me that hearing that news had to make everything so much better because now I could truly know that it wasn't my fault.  It didn't help by the way.  I went through a year of marriage and a year of being divorced before that info was brought to light, and it didn't make what I went through better.  In some ways it made it worse.

15 years ago, the world was a very different place than it is today, especially in the deep South, with conservative values.  Homosexuality was not okay really at all, not only in the church, but just in general society.  My ex was so afraid to be honest about who he was because of the potential ramifications that would exist if people knew he was, that he married a woman just to try to have the proper family he was supposed to.  

After lots of processing in therapy, especially the last few months, here are some of the things I have come to realize... I have a deep compassion for the people we were back then.  I can't imagine being my ex, feeling trapped, isolated, alone, not able to be himself, and not feeling safe enough to talk about it with anyone.  I am sad that I was not that safe place for him, but I understand why he wouldn't have felt he could talk to me.  I would have been a judgmental, critical person, trying to fix him and make it all okay.  I have compassion for myself, understanding that I didn't know how to use my voice, to create good boundaries and stand up for myself.  If either of us had known more or understood ourselves better and been able to have an honest conversation, I don't think we would have gotten married.

But we did get married, and while there have been times over the last 15 years that I have deeply regretted that decision, my recent therapy has helped me realize something so glorious that I can honestly say I am grateful for the journey that I have walked and wouldn't change it for anything.  One week, my counselor asked me what being married to my ex made possible, and she had me do a sentence completion.  Without thought or filtering my response, I said, "Being married to him allowed me to find me."

I'm pretty sure I am still processing that response in some ways, but it's the truth.  If I had never married my ex, I don't know that I would have left Georgia.  I am nearly certain that I would never have ended up in school to be a counselor.  I would not have had the opportunity to expand my world, to travel on some of the trips that I have gotten to go on, and to have many of the experiences that I have had the past 15 years.  I say this with the most humble posture possible and not in a bragging way: I know my life has mattered.  I have had the honor and privilege of walking with thousands of people in their journey of healing, both in my own counseling practice and as a boss and mentor/supervisor to many other therapists.  I have been able to build a practice that is impacting a city and helping to heal the lives of countless families.  I have gained compassion, a greater understanding of relationships and people and God, and I have evolved and grown as I have helped others to heal and grow.  And there are some really cool things in the works that I can't wait to see what happens and where things might lead! :)

There have been a lot of people down through the years who don't think that my story has a happy ending because I am still single and have never had kids.  And while I still have hope that maybe someday there will be a person to share life with again, if that never happens, my story still has a happy ending.  I used to think that my story was basically over because I made a bad decision in who I chose to marry.  But that's a very small view of the world.  I don't have to be married and/or have kids to have my story be redeemed.  My story is redeemed because I am finally free to live as the person that God created and made me to be.  In walking this journey, I have discovered myself.  I am stepping out as Tiffany - a bit more unleashed - and I am filled with excitement at all that is ahead and the things I am interested in and passionate about.

15 years ago, I said, "I do".  Even though I had no idea what I was signing up for and the path my life would take, God has honored that vow and promise.  Today, I am more "me" than I would have been otherwise, and that is a gift that I will always value.  And so today, 15 years later, I look at this date more as a marker of who I am and what has been made possible because of what took place on that first January 14th.  Happy Anniversary to me. :)  May there be many more years ahead of growth, adventure, change, love and being the me who has emerged out of the ashes.